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Oct. 10th, 2012

Title: We Can Do Anything, But Should We?
Fandom: My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy
Pairings: Frerard (Frank/Gerard), Mikete (Pete/Mikey, yes I know that's not the most commonly used term), Mikey/Alicia, possibly more later?
Summary: Gerard is a depressed kid who kills himself in a suicide pact with Frank. Frank survives and gets tangled in with the life of Mikey, who has Kleine-Levin Syndrome-from the perspective of the living he falls into a deep sleep every couple of months, but from the perspective of the dead, he's a superpowered being who walks the boundary between the two different worlds.
Rating: Unsure at this point. It's not that I don't know how the rating system works-I know too well, if anything-but I don't have this fanfic completely planned out. To a large degree, I'm just writing plot points as they come to me, and fleshing them out into stories. Will likely be around an R in the MPAA rating system...but you can really decide for yourselves.
Warnings: Sex, violence, suicide, self-harm, major character death, minor character death, religion, necrophilia, mental illness, angels and demons
Disclaimer: Didn't happen.
Dedication: Nicky, for letting me use her as a character in this, and Katie, Karen, and Lici, for the same (though they appear later).

All alone now, nothing really feels right...

Just find ways to cope with feelings that you don’t understand,

Because no one really cares how you feel-

As long as you act how everyone else expects you to act!

 

My friends, we can do anything, but should we?

I’m trying to hold on to what I love,

And not mess up everything-

I mess up everything,

No one cares anyway...

Frank stared at the words he’d just written onto the page, chewing on his pen in an attempt to stifle the tears that he couldn’t let come. The funeral had been yesterday. Gerard was gone-forever.

Frank didn’t believe that there was an afterlife-which, to some degree, kept him out of a coffin. Gerard may have spent all his time thinking about never thinking anything again, but Frank never had that kind of desperacy. It was just...Gerard had been his world for the year and a half they’d been together, and before that, when they’d just been friends since sixth grade. Sixth grade was a damn long time ago now-a different world entirely. Frank’d had some idea of Gerard’s issues from pretty much when they started being friends, but it hadn’t been as bad then.

All that was left of Gerard now was a bunch of photos, a bunch of memories...and that one journal that Frank had taken from his room.

He hadn’t meant to. It was an act of opportunity, done in the heat of the moment-one he regretted quite quickly, but he hadn’t been able to give it back to Mikey or Mr and Mrs Way, even if he’d wanted to (deep down inside, he didn’t). He’d had it for a few days now, and it’d spent those days lying in a corner of Frank’s room, untouched. He didn’t dare open it and read what was inside, even though every last part of him wanted to.

***

“Way, I see you’re back here again. Excellent. You’re the only one of them who works on a tight schedule-the rest seem to just come here whenever they feel like it. I really like that in a Walker, you know.”

Mikey stared back up at the shadowed figure, poker-faced as always. “Well, it’s a good thing you have your others, because I won’t be doing much work for you this time around.”

If it had a face, it would’ve looked shocked. “Why ever not? You’re usually so punctual and efficient-what would cause a lapse in your judgement like that? I don’t want to have to let you go early, Way.”

Let you go. Mikey gulped at the words. He knew there were always exceptions, but still-most Walkers were unceremoniously kicked out of their jobs and back into the world of the living in their mid-20s or so, with no memory of what their jobs in the world of the dead had been. Of course, from their world’s perspective, it was a success-‘Kleine-Levin syndrome’, as they’d called it, was pretty terrible for anyone with life plans other than ‘suddenly fall asleep for weeks or months every once in a while’-but Mikey didn’t ever want to leave this permanently. Especially with his memory wiped. It was a jarring enough experience knowing that every time he woke from one of these trips, he perceived it as barely more than a hazily-remembered dream, if that.

But this was important.

“Gerard. My brother. He died while I was awake-killed himself. Chronic depression, you know the deal. Probably seen it too many times. I need to see him, make sure he’s okay here.”

The figure hesitated for a moment, trying to figure out what the best response would be. Mikey was an excellent Walker-and a very powerful one, at that. Of course, there was no way he could overpower the entire Legions of Hell even if he had every Walker to ever Walk on his side, but he’d put up a damn good fight. Too many secrets would get out, the question of the afterlife would be irrevocably answered, and everything would go to shit.

May as well stay on his good side.

Also, Mikey had talked about Gerard before. He really did seem to genuinely care for his younger brother, and it would’ve crushed him when he heard of Gerard’s untimely demise. If Mikey got to see him again, even just while Walking, it’d at least manage to keep morale up.

“Go ahead, Way.”

***

Frank came home from school the next day, kicking off his shoes as soon as he entered the house. He figured it was now or never-the guilt at stealing Gerard’s diary, uh, journal, was eating at him, and if he wasn’t going to give it back, he may as well read it.

Staring at the book lying in his room, he tentatively, gently picked it up-in a manner reminiscent of someone trying to handle a wild animal-and turned to the first page.

***

May 29nd, 2012

Today was another fucking useless day spent surrounded by fucking useless people. It was also the day I turned 16, not that it’s an accomplishment or anything. Hooray, it’s been ten years since I first decided to fucking off myself (and then spent two months planning), and I failed all of them so badly I ended up here! Frank’s the only good person in the world, and the only one who brings me anything close to happiness.

I think it’s happiness, anyway. I don’t remember anything from before I was four, and that was also the age this bullshit started, so. Maybe I felt happiness when I was a little kid, and if I time-travelled back there I could ask little-kid-Gerard and he’d tell me what happiness felt like.

But whatever, fuck that noise. On the ‘bright side’, it’s been a few months since I last attempted suicide. Actually, as of tomorrow, it’s gonna be three months exactly. Shit. Better try again-that’d be way too long a break.

My therapist tells me I’m doing this bullshit because I’m an attention-starved teenager or some crap like that. I told her she can go fuck herself, and she should lose her will to live and try existing like that for ten years and not fucking murder anyone. She got all pissy at me for that. Wonder why.

June 1st, 2012

Was with Frank today. I fucking love everything about him. I love how fucking adorable he is, I love how he’s the only person in the world who understands me, I love how he’s pretty much on my wavelength. I think he’s pretty much who I would’ve been if I wasn’t depressed.

Is it wrong to hate your boyfriend because he’s not a fucking psycho like you?

...Well, ‘hate’ isn’t the word I’d rather use, but ‘jealous’ doesn’t seem to cut it either.

June 2nd, 2012

I was trying to figure out if it was legal for me to fuck Frank, even though I don’t really know if I’d fuck anything that wasn’t dead (I don’t know, death’s just really cool, I love everything about corpses, I love how cold they are and how rigor mortis comes and goes and how they rot and the smell of death and the looks of it and just everything about it...). I learned today from that that in New Jersey, if you fuck your sibling, it’s only illegal if they’re under 18. So I could go fuck Mikey right now, and the only problem would be is that I’m 16 and he’s 18.

I don’t know, I just think that’s interesting.

June 5th, 2012

Do you wanna hold my hand?
Could you sign this photograph?
‘Cause I’m your biggest fan,
Would you leave me lying here?

We’re not here to pay a compliment or sing about the government!
Oxycotin genocide, adolescent suicide,
I’ll give you my sincerity, don’t give a fuck about a Kennedy,
Here’s what I’ve got to say!

June 6th, 2012

Why did I think yesterday I could write song lyrics? I fail just as fucking much at that as I do at killing myself-badly, that is.

June 7th, 2012

I wanna see what your insides look like,
I bet you’re not fucking pretty on the inside!

August 31st, 2012

It’s been way too long since I’ve written in this thing.

Frank has a band now with Ray and Patrick. And...me, I guess. I’m the singer, Frank’s lead guitar, Ray’s rhythm and Trick’s bass, but we don’t have a drummer.

Ray and Trick...I’ve been friends with them for quite a while, I guess. Frank’s the greatest person I’ve ever met, but if I had to pick a second, it’d be Trick. He gets what it’s like, you know, to be the useless fucker everyone hates. Ray, I’ve known since kindergarten, and I don’t think we’ll ever stop being friends, if a lot distant-er than we once were.

They took those last lyrics I wrote, made a whole song out of them. Bury Me In Black. It’s decent for something I made, which means it’d be absolute shit when compared with anything else. Justin Bieber could make better music than I could.

I don’t wanna call it shit, because Trick and Ray and Frank helped me and they made it sound way better than it could’ve, but I’m so much of a useless fucker that it probably overshadows it.

Why the fuck do they associate with me? They could all have much better friends.

Fuck this noise. I’ve been planning it for a month now. It’s gonna work this time.

Gonna go OD. See you never.

-Gerard Way, 1996-2012

September 14th, 2012

Didn’t work. Waking up with your suicide note covered in vomit, along with being fucking disgusting, will get you in a psych ward for two weeks. So don’t try that. Get a gun or something.

September 15th, 2012

I live in fucking Newark. At the very least, I should’ve been murdered by someone by now.

September 20th, 2012

If I’m still alive by 17, I’m going to shoot up my school.

Seriously-I’ve got this shit all planned out. I’ll kill Frank first, because I love him too much to see him hurt like that. I’ll make sure he dies painlessly-then I’ll go to town on the really useless fuckers, like Jimmy and his crew, the ‘popular’ kids and all the goddamn teachers. There’ll be bodies everywhere, it’ll be fucking awesome. And just before the police come, I’ll shoot myself.

Bloodiest school shooting in history. Columbine’ll be barely a blip next to me.

If I’m gonna die anyway, after all, it’s not like I have anything to lose.

September 21st, 2012

Halloween’s coming up. I’m really looking forward to it. Not also is the whole dressing-up part really cool-I always make the best costumes-I’ve heard a lot about people trying to pretend to hang themself for a Halloween haunted house or something, but actually hanging themself. If I did that, nobody’d ever think I killed myself.

Not sure what to go as this year. There was the ‘rockstar superhero’ thing from last year that I thought looked really cool, I got Frank and Mikey and Ray to do it with me and we called ourselves the Killjoys, but it turned out like every other idea of mine-utter shit.

October 2nd, 2012

Some girl at school apparently killed herself. I think they said her name was Nicky.

I envy her for that. I’ve been trying for years, but it hasn’t worked once. I wonder if she’s tried before...I wonder how long she’s felt like she needed to. Was she like me, dead inside for so long she didn’t recognize what happiness felt like? Was she trying to get attention and took it too far? A spur of the moment decision when she suddenly looked back at her life and realized it was leading nowhere?

Everyone acted devastated, but I don’t think any of them knew she existed before this.

They’ll have forgotten she existed by the end of the week.

October 5th, 2012

I was right.

November 1st, 2012

Halloween was yesterday. Mikey’s sleeping again. I tried to do the hanging thing, but I lived.

Thanksgiving’s coming up. So is Christmas.

I’ve been thinking about Nicky a lot, for someone who never knew her. I kind of recognized that photo of her-I’ve seen her around the school, but never talked to her or anything. She was a senior, I think.

I wonder how she killed herself.

November 2nd, 2012

Apparently the fact that I feel cold all the time’s a depression symptom in and of itself.

Weird.

November 3rd, 2012

I talked to Frank today.

I have a plan. I realized yesterday that I couldn’t leave him. I needed him too much, and I think he needs me, too. But I can’t live like this.

Frank promised to go with me. We’re going to kill ourselves together. February 2013, it’s all planned out.

I’ll have to live for a little longer, but it’d be worth it in exchange for spending eternity with Frank, away from the assholes and bastards who populate life.

I knew that he’d go with me if push came to shove. It took some talking, but...

December 22nd, 2012

Yesterday was supposed to be the end of the world. It wasn’t, which was kind of a downer.

December 24th, 2012

Tomorrow’s Christmas. I’m not spending this one under suicide watch, which is a good sign. Actually, everyone thinks I’m getting better. They’ve all commented on how I seem a lot happier than normal.

I think I really might actually be happy. I finally have the way out, for real this time! I’m going with Frank! It’s gonna be awesome!

February 1st, 2013

Two weeks.

February 14th, 2013

Today was the last day of my life. Frank’ll be here in a couple of minutes. I’ve got the knives. We’ll be gone soon.

I can’t believe it. This is finally it! Today’s the day I’m going to die, for real this time! Every other time was a failure, but I know I’m going to make this!

-Gerard Way, 1996-2013

***

The journal ended there, with Gerard’s assessment of his final...success? It felt strange to call a suicide successful.

Frank thought of Nicky, and wondered.

***

“Gerard?”

Gerard turned his head to Mikey’s voice. Why would Mikey be here? Shit shit shit was he dead too no Mikey couldn’t be dead his parents couldn’t lose both of their kids they would be devastated everything would be fucked up no what-

Mikey must’ve noticed the expression on Gerard’s face. “I’m not dead-don’t worry about that. I’m a Walker.”

“What the fuck is a Walker?” Gerard responded, sizing up what appeared to be Mikey. He had no idea if whatever-this-was was telling the truth or not. This was Hell-for all he knew, he was going to be kidnapped by some demon guy pretending to be his brother.

“You know all that Kleine-Levin shit? The reason why I keep falling asleep for two months every two months?”

Gerard nodded.

“It’s not just a disorder. It’s this really complicated...thing, basically. What the living world knows as Kleine-Levin syndrome is actually a duty granted to a rare few people, known as Walkers, by the rulers of the world of the dead. Basically, my job is to keep the worlds of the living and the dead separate. Without this separation, the two universes would merge together, instantly causing the apocalypse as the spiritual and physical irrevocably reunite, changing everything forever. Or, in layman’s terms, all sorts of crazy shit would happen.”

This was a pretty decent explanation. It would explain the last five years of Gerard and Mikey’s lives pretty well. Except... “Why did you never talk about that?”

“Complicated reasons. Mostly, when I was awake, these events always just seemed like a dream.”

***

They had talked for a while, but Gerard had seemed to have something else on his mind throughout the conversation. Mikey had tried to restrain his curiosity, but eventually the point came where he had to ask.

“Gerard?”

“Yeah?”

“Have you really been properly listening? You look...distracted. Like you’re thinking about something or someone else. What’s going on?”

“I wanna see Nicky.”

Mikey had no idea who Nicky was, having never heard of her before this point.

Gerard apparently registered Mikey’s confusion. “Nicky was this girl at my school. She killed herself a few months back. I hadn’t met her before then, but I really want to get to know her now...why she killed herself, and stuff like that. I want to know her.”

Tags:

We Can Do Anything, But Should We?

Title: We Can Do Anything, But Should We?
Fandom: My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, possibly more later? (References Mindless Self Indulgence, but I'm unsure whether they'll go on to play a larger role)
Pairings: Frerard (Frank/Gerard), Mikete (Pete/Mikey, yes I know that's not the most commonly used term), Mikey/Alicia, possibly more later?
Summary: Gerard is a depressed kid who kills himself in a suicide pact with Frank. Frank survives and gets tangled in with the life of Mikey, who has Kleine-Levin Syndrome-from the perspective of the living he falls into a deep sleep every couple of months, but from the perspective of the dead, he's a superpowered being who walks the boundary between the two different worlds.
Rating: Unsure at this point. It's not that I don't know how the rating system works-I know too well, if anything-but I don't have this fanfic completely planned out. To a large degree, I'm just writing plot points as they come to me, and fleshing them out into stories. Will likely be around an R in the MPAA rating system...but you can really decide for yourselves.
Warnings: Again, I don't have this completely planned out. Suicide plays a REALLY major role, as does major character death in general. Sex is likely later on, as is violence. Some religious themes. Generally, there's a decent chance this'll hit most of the major triggers at some point.
Disclaimer: Didn't happen.


Part 2Collapse )

Tags:

I fanfic'd. This is the first of a series.

Title: We Can Do Anything, But Should We?
Fandom: My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, possibly more later? (References Mindless Self Indulgence, but I'm unsure whether they'll go on to play a larger role)
Pairings: Frerard (Frank/Gerard), Mikete (Pete/Mikey, yes I know that's not the most commonly used term), Mikey/Alicia, possibly more later?
Summary: Gerard is a depressed kid who kills himself in a suicide pact with Frank. Frank survives and gets tangled in with the life of Mikey, who has Kleine-Levin Syndrome-from the perspective of the living he falls into a deep sleep every couple of months, but from the perspective of the dead, he's a superpowered being who walks the boundary between the two different worlds.
Rating: Unsure at this point. It's not that I don't know how the rating system works-I know too well, if anything-but I don't have this fanfic completely planned out. To a large degree, I'm just writing plot points as they come to me, and fleshing them out into stories. Will likely be around an R in the MPAA rating system...but you can really decide for yourselves.
Warnings: Again, I don't have this completely planned out. Suicide plays a REALLY major role, as does major character death in general. Sex is likely later on, as is violence. Some religious themes. Generally, there's a decent chance this'll hit most of the major triggers at some point.
Disclaimer: Didn't happen.


Part 1Collapse )

Tags:

So I was playing Emogame 2.

And I'd gotten the furthest I'd ever gotten.

Everything was awesome.

When suddenly the part with all the arrows happened.

And I went the wrong way.

And I couldn't get out of that shit, and I have to go STRAIGHT BACK TO THE BEGINNING.

*shoots self*

We'd do it all because we have to, not because we know why,
Beyond a gender, race and class, we could find out what really holds us back,
Let's make everybody sing
That we are the beginning and ending of everything,
That we are all stronger than everything they taught us we should fear.


so.

How do you change your journal's name? Or do that sort of subtitle thing? I'm not talking about the username, I'm talking about, like, how it says 'stealthy_hayden's Journal' on my thing, and a lot of people have a different name there? How do you do that?

Planning my new fursona

It's been a long time since I've had a precise fursona.

All I can think of is that shi's a herm, and a fox. A red fox, to be precise, and with patterns like that of your ordinary red fox (of the smokey red variety, to be precise) but with neon green in place of the red-brown. Shi also has black hair and is 5'8". Hir name is Catastrophe.

That's all I got.
Do you wanna hold my hand?
Could you sign this photogrrrrraph?
'Cause I'm your biggest fan,
Would you leave me lying here?